watashi wo sagasu-Iruma

2009-02-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

Introduction: How To Be Happy

While people have many and varied goals that they pursue, there is an almost universal underlying goal to virtually all pursuits: the goal to be happy. People who spend a lot of time making money generally do so because they believe that the money itself will make them happy, or will guard them against things that will make them unhappy. If the focus isn’t on the money, but on the jobs that bring the money, those jobs are generally thought to make people happy. People strive for that perfect relationship, the perfect house, the beautiful body, the approval of others, all in an attempt to be happy. Sometimes these things make us happy; other times, we stress over not having reached our goals, or we reach them and find that we’re still not happy. Other times, we focus so intensely on one goal that’s thought to bring happiness that we don’t have time for other things in our life that will make us truly happy. This can all be confusing, and begs the question: how does one reach the goal of being happy?

The following is a step-by-step guide that can help you explore the current state of your life, assess how truly happy you are, and find a direction to work toward that will likely bring more happiness. You’ll also find resources and tips for reaching your happiness goals and setting new ones. These pages are the gateway to a life that truly makes you happy.

Look At Your Life: Does Your Lifestyle Make You Happy?

Positive Psychology experts—those who study human happiness and the factors that contribute to it--have identified several key areas of life that seem to be more related to personal happiness. While it’s not an absolute given that dissatisfaction on one or three areas of life will lead to personal unhappiness or that satisfaction in most areas will automatically lead to bliss, there is a correlation: if you’re more satisfied with these areas of your life, you tend to be more happy in general. So what are the things in life that are correlated with personal happiness? Some of them are the things that you would expect: money, friends, health, living conditions; others are things you may not think of in your daily life, such as your neighborhood, spirituality, community involvement, and sense of meaning in life. (The role that these things play in your life can also impact your happiness, but there’s more on that later.)

For a full list of the areas of life that tend to bring happiness, see this article on finding authentic happiness; each item of the list is a link to more information and resources on the happiness-inducing lifestyle feature. Also, for a more personalized view, you can take this Happiness Self Assessment Test, which will ask you about different areas of your life and provide you with an assessment of which areas of your life may be bringing you happiness and which may need some changes. You’ll then find resources to learn more and make changes that should bring you more happiness.

Lifestyle, however, is only part of the happiness equation. Your attitude about life and the things that happen to you each day can also greatly impact your overall level of happiness and life satisfaction. Find out more about Cultivating an Attitude for Happiness.

Look At Your Attitude: Do Your Thoughts Make You Happy?

As mentioned in the earlier section, lifestyle features have a significant impact on personal happiness levels, but a significant piece of the equation is one’s attitude toward life. It’s probably no secret that optimists tend to be happier people, but you may not realize that there’s more to optimism than ‘putting on a happy face or ‘looking on the bright side’. There are specific traits of optimists, pleasantly distorted ways of thinking, that bring optimists more success, greater health, increased life satisfaction, and other goodies on a regular basis. Cultivating the mind of an optimist can not only mean cultivating happiness, regardless of your circumstance, but it can actually bring more things into your life to be happy about. (Not sure if you’re an optimist or a pessimist? This Optimism Self Test can tell you, and provide resources; many people have been surprised by their results, so I highly recommend this enlightening self assessment tool.) In addition to optimism, happy people tend to have an internal locus of control; simply put, they tend to believe that they are the masters of their fate, rather than the victims of circumstance. When you view the stressors of your life as a challenge rather than a threat, you tend to come up with more effective solutions and feel more exhilarated (rather than drained) as you tackle these circumstances.

Set The Right Goals for Happiness

As previously mentioned, many people pursue goals that they expect will make them happy, but happiness isn’t always the end result. We all know people who have put everything they have into their careers—at the expense of their personal lives—only to wonder why they’re successful and still unhappy. It’s also all too common for people to be surrounded by a beautiful home, expensive cars, designer clothes (and sometimes mounds of debt) and still have less personal satisfaction with life than they had without all the “stuff”. How is one to know which goals will garner personal happiness and which won’t?

Another quick look at the list of factors that promote happiness shows that many things contribute to personal happiness; finding a balanced lifestyle so that you can include social support, personal development, physical health and meaningful pursuits in addition to career success and financial security (features that more often steal the focus) is much more likely to bring happiness than a lifestyle where only one or two of these facets receives the lion’s share of energy and resources, to the exclusion of other important lifestyle factors.

As you set your goals, remember all of the areas of life that are important to you. Map out a detailed description of how you would like your whole life to look. Use a pie chart to represent your life, and put the goals for different areas of your life into the different ‘pieces’. Or, set goals and develop healthy habits for a different area of your life each month. For ideas, see this article onoptimum changes for personal happiness, or this article on healthy habits for a balanced lifestyle. And don’t forget the importance of knowing how to say no to too many activities in your life!

Work Toward Your Goals The Smart Way

Whether setting goals as New Year’s Resolutions, or as part of a quest for an improved life, many people sabotage themselves from the beginning by expecting too much and setting themselves up to fail. For example, many people expect themselves to immediate change their habits out of sheer willpower; any slip-ups are experienced as ‘failures’, and too often contribute to an abandonment of the goal and feelings of defeat.

If you’re trying to make positive changes in your life, it’s important to set yourself up to succeed:

First, set small, attainable goals. Work your way into a new habit with baby steps, and you’ll feel more successful every step of the way, and be less likely to give up.
Next, reward your progress; for each small goal you reach, allow yourself to feel pride, and perhaps give yourself a small reward.
Don’t forget to enlist social support! Tell the supportive people in your life what you’re attempting to acheive, and tell them of your successes. This will give you added strength, and will make it less appealing to give up (and have to explain yourself to those close to you)!

2009-02-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

To: All Woman and mom in every place
PEREMPUAN YG DICINTAI SUAMIKU

Kehidupan pernikahan kami awalnya baik2 saja menurutku. Meskipun

menjelang pernikahan selalu terjadi konflik, tapi setelah menikah

Mario tampak baik dan lebih menuruti apa mauku.

Kami tidak pernah bertengkar hebat, kalau marah dia cenderung diam dan

pergi kekantornya bekerja sampai subuh, baru pulang kerumah, mandi,

kemudian mengantar anak kami sekolah. Tidurnya sangat sedikit,

makannya pun sedikit. Aku pikir dia workaholic.

Dia menciumku maksimal 2x sehari, pagi menjelang kerja, dan saat dia

pulang kerja, itupun kalau aku masih bangun. Karena waktu pacaran dia

tidak pernah romantis, aku pikir, memang dia tidak romantis, dan tidak

memerlukan hal2 seperti itu sebagai ungkapan sayang.

Kami jarang ngobrol sampai malam, kami jarang pergi nonton berdua,

bahkan makan berdua diluarpun hampir tidak pernah. Kalau kami makan di

meja makan berdua, kami asyik sendiri dengan sendok garpu kami, bukan

obrolan yang terdengar, hanya denting piring yang beradu dengan sendok

garpu.

Kalau hari libur, dia lebih sering hanya tiduran dikamar, atau main

dengan anak2 kami, dia jarang sekali tertawa lepas. Karena dia sangat

pendiam, aku menyangka dia memang tidak suka tertawa lepas.

Aku mengira rumah tangga kami baik2 saja selama 8 tahun pernikahan

kami. Sampai suatu ketika, disuatu hari yang terik, saat itu suamiku

tergolek sakit dirumah sakit, karena jarang makan, dan sering jajan di

kantornya, dibanding makan dirumah, dia kena typhoid, dan harus

dirawat di RS, karena sampai terjadi perforasi di ususnya. Pada saat

dia masih di ICU, seorang perempuan datang menjenguknya. Dia

memperkenalkan diri, bernama meisha, temannya Mario saat dulu kuliah.

Meisha tidak secantik aku, dia begitu sederhana, tapi aku tidak pernah

melihat mata yang begitu cantik seperti yang dia miliki. Matanya

bersinar indah, penuh kehangatan dan penuh cinta, ketika dia

berbicara, seakan2 waktu berhenti berputar dan terpana dengan

kalimat2nya yang ringan dan penuh pesona. Setiap orang, laki2 maupun

perempuan bahkan mungkin serangga yang lewat, akan jatuh cinta begitu

mendengar dia bercerita.

Meisha tidak pernah kenal dekat dengan Mario selama mereka kuliah

dulu, Meisha bercerita Mario sangat pendiam, sehingga jarang punya

teman yang akrab. 5 bulan lalu mereka bertemu, karena ada pekerjaan

kantor mereka yang mempertemukan mereka. Meisha yang bekerja di

advertising akhirnya bertemu dengan Mario yang sedang membuat iklan

untuk perusahaan tempatnya bekerja.

Aku mulai mengingat2 5 bulan lalu ada perubahan yang cukup drastis

pada Mario, setiap mau pergi kerja, dia tersenyum manis padaku, dan

dalam sehari bisa menciumku lebih dari 3x. Dia membelikan aku parfum

baru, dan mulai sering tertawa lepas. Tapi disaat lain, dia sering

termenung didepan komputernya. Atau termenung memegang Hp-nya. Kalau

aku tanya, dia bilang, ada pekerjaan yang membingungkan.

Suatu saat Meisha pernah datang pada saat Mario sakit dan masih

dirawat di RS. Aku sedang memegang sepiring nasi beserta lauknya

dengan wajah kesal, karena Mario tidak juga mau aku suapi. Meisha

masuk kamar, dan menyapa dengan suara riangnya,

" Hai Rima, kenapa dengan anak sulungmu yang nomor satu ini ? tidak

mau makan juga? uhh. dasar anak nakal, sini piringnya, " lalu dia

terus mengajak Mario bercerita sambil menyuapi Mario, tiba2 saja

sepiring nasi itu sudah habis ditangannya. Dan..aku tidak pernah

melihat tatapan penuh cinta yang terpancar dari mata suamiku, seperti

siang itu, tidak pernah seumur hidupku yang aku lalui bersamanya,

tidak pernah sedetikpun !

Hatiku terasa sakit, lebih sakit dari ketika dia membalikkan tubuhnya

membelakangi aku saat aku memeluknya dan berharap dia mencumbuku.

Lebih sakit dari rasa sakit setelah operasi caesar ketika aku

melahirkan anaknya. Lebih sakit dari rasa sakit, ketika dia tidak mau

memakan masakan yang aku buat dengan susah payah. Lebih sakit daripada

sakit ketika dia tidak pulang kerumah saat ulang tahun perkawinan kami

kemarin. Lebih sakit dari rasa sakit ketika dia lebih suka mencumbu

komputernya dibanding aku.

Tapi aku tidak pernah bisa marah setiap melihat perempuan itu. Meisha

begitu manis, dia bisa hadir tiba2, membawakan donat buat anak2, dan

membawakan ekrol kesukaanku. Dia mengajakku jalan2, kadang mengajakku

nonton. kali lain, dia datang bersama suami dan ke-2 anaknya yang

lucu2.

Aku tidak pernah bertanya, apakah suamiku mencintai perempuan berhati

bidadari itu? karena tanpa bertanya pun aku sudah tahu, apa yang

bergejolak dihatinya.

Suatu sore, mendung begitu menyelimuti jakarta, aku tidak pernah

menyangka, hatikupun akan mendung, bahkan gerimis kemudian.

Anak sulungku, seorang anak perempuan cantik berusia 7 tahun,

rambutnya keriting ikal dan cerdasnya sama seperti ayahnya. Dia

berhasil membuka password email Papa nya, dan memanggilku, " Mama, mau

lihat surat papa buat tante Meisha ?"

Aku tertegun memandangnya, dan membaca surat elektronik itu,

Dear Meisha,

Kehadiranmu bagai beribu bintang gemerlap yang mengisi seluruh relung

hatiku, aku tidak pernah merasakan jatuh cinta seperti ini, bahkan

pada Rima. Aku mencintai Rima karena kondisi yang mengharuskan aku

mencintainya, karena dia ibu dari anak2ku.

Ketika aku menikahinya, aku tetap tidak tahu apakah aku sungguh2

mencintainya. Tidak ada perasaan bergetar seperti ketika aku

memandangmu, tidak ada perasaan rindu yang tidak pernah padam ketika

aku tidak menjumpainya. Aku hanya tidak ingin menyakiti perasaannya.

Ketika konflik2 terjadi saat kami pacaran dulu, aku sebenarnya kecewa,

tapi aku tidak sanggup mengatakan padanya bahwa dia bukanlah perempuan

yang aku cari untuk mengisi kekosongan hatiku. Hatiku tetap terasa

hampa, meskipun aku menikahinya.

Aku tidak tahu, bagaimana caranya menumbuhkan cinta untuknya, seperti

ketika cinta untukmu tumbuh secara alami, seperti pohon2 beringin yang

tumbuh kokoh tanpa pernah mendapat siraman dari pemiliknya. Seperti

pepohonan di hutan2 belantara yang tidak pernah minta disirami, namun

tumbuh dengan lebat secara alami. Itu yang aku rasakan.

Aku tidak akan pernah bisa memilikimu, karena kau sudah menjadi milik

orang lain dan aku adalah laki2 yang sangat memegang komitmen

pernikahan kami. Meskipun hatiku terasa hampa, itu tidaklah mengapa,

asal aku bisa melihat Rima bahagia dan tertawa, dia bisa mendapatkan

segala yang dia inginkan selama aku mampu. Dia boleh mendapatkan

seluruh hartaku dan tubuhku, tapi tidak jiwaku dan cintaku, yang hanya

aku berikan untukmu. Meskipun ada tembok yang menghalangi kita, aku

hanya berharap bahwa engkau mengerti, you are the only one in my

heart.

yours,

Mario

Mataku terasa panas. Jelita, anak sulungku memelukku erat. Meskipun

baru berusia 7 tahun, dia adalah malaikat jelitaku yang sangat

mengerti dan menyayangiku.

Suamiku tidak pernah mencintaiku. Dia tidak pernah bahagia bersamaku.

Dia mencintai perempuan lain.

Aku mengumpulkan kekuatanku. Sejak itu, aku menulis surat hampir

setiap hari untuk suamiku. Surat itu aku simpan diamplop, dan aku

letakkan di lemari bajuku, tidak pernah aku berikan untuknya.

Mobil yang dia berikan untukku aku kembalikan padanya. Aku

mengumpulkan tabunganku yang kusimpan dari sisa2 uang belanja, lalu

aku belikan motor untuk mengantar dan menjemput anak2ku. Mario merasa

heran, karena aku tidak pernah lagi bermanja dan minta dibelikan

bermacam2 merek tas dan baju. Aku terpuruk dalam kehancuranku. Aku

dulu memintanya menikahiku karena aku malu terlalu lama pacaran,

sedangkan teman2ku sudah menikah semua. Ternyata dia memang tidak

pernah menginginkan aku menjadi istrinya.

Betapa tidak berharganya aku. Tidakkah dia tahu, bahwa aku juga

seorang perempuan yang berhak mendapatkan kasih sayang dari suaminya ?

Kenapa dia tidak mengatakan saja, bahwa dia tidak mencintai aku dan

tidak menginginkan aku ? itu lebih aku hargai daripada dia cuma diam

dan mengangguk dan melamarku lalu menikahiku. Betapa malangnya

nasibku.

Mario terus menerus sakit2an, dan aku tetap merawatnya dengan setia.

Biarlah dia mencintai perempuan itu terus didalam hatinya. Dengan

pura2 tidak tahu, aku sudah membuatnya bahagia dengan mencintai

perempuan itu. Kebahagiaan Mario adalah kebahagiaanku juga, karena aku

akan selalu mencintainya.

**********

Setahun kemudian.

Meisha membuka amplop surat2 itu dengan air mata berlinang. Tanah

pemakaman itu masih basah merah dan masih dipenuhi bunga.

" Mario, suamiku..

Aku tidak pernah menyangka pertemuan kita saat aku pertama kali

bekerja dikantormu, akan membawaku pada cinta sejatiku. Aku begitu

terpesona padamu yang pendiam dan tampak dingin. Betapa senangnya aku

ketika aku tidak bertepuk sebelah tangan. Aku mencintaimu, dan begitu

posesif ingin memilikimu seutuhnya. Aku sering marah, ketika kamu

asyik bekerja, dan tidak memperdulikan aku. Aku merasa diatas angin,

ketika kamu hanya diam dan menuruti keinginanku. Aku pikir, aku si

puteri cantik yang diinginkan banyak pria, telah memenuhi ruang hatimu

dan kamu terlalu mencintaiku sehingga mau melakukan apa saja

untukku...

Ternyata aku keliru.. aku menyadarinya tepat sehari setelah pernikahan

kita. Ketika aku membanting hadiah jam tangan dari seorang teman

kantor dulu yang aku tahu sebenarnya menyukai Mario.

Aku melihat matamu begitu terluka, ketika berkata, " kenapa, Rima ?

Kenapa kamu mesti cemburu ? dia sudah menikah, dan aku sudah memilihmu

menjadi istriku ?"

Aku tidak perduli,dan berlalu dari hadapanmu dengan sombongnya.

Sekarang aku menyesal, memintamu melamarku. Engkau tidak pernah

bahagia bersamaku. Aku adalah hal terburuk dalam kehidupan cintamu.

Aku bukanlah wanita yang sempurna yang engkau inginkan.

Istrimu,

Rima"

Di surat yang lain,

"...Kehadiran perempuan itu membuatmu berubah, engkau tidak lagi

sedingin es. Engkau mulai terasa hangat, namun tetap saja aku tidak

pernah melihat cahaya cinta dari matamu untukku, seperti aku melihat

cahaya yang penuh cinta itu berpendar dari kedua bola matamu saat

memandang Meisha.."

Disurat yang kesekian,

"...Aku bersumpah, akan membuatmu jatuh cinta padaku.

Aku telah berubah, Mario. Engkau lihat kan, aku tidak lagi marah2

padamu, aku tidak lagi suka membanting2 barang dan berteriak jika

emosi. Aku belajar masak, dan selalu kubuatkan masakan yang engkau

sukai. Aku tidak lagi boros, dan selalau menabung. Aku tidak lagi suka

bertengkar dengan ibumu. Aku selalu tersenyum menyambutmu pulang

kerumah. Dan aku selalu meneleponmu, untuk menanyakan sudahkah kekasih

hatiku makan siang ini? Aku merawatmu jika engkau sakit, aku tidak

kesal saat engkau tidak mau aku suapi, aku menungguimu sampai tertidur

disamping tempat tidurmu, dirumah sakit saat engkau dirawat, karena

penyakit pencernaanmu yang selalu bermasalah.. .

Meskipun belum terbit juga, sinar cinta itu dari matamu, aku akan

tetap berusaha dan menantinya.. .."

Meisha menghapus air mata yang terus mengalir dari kedua mata

indahnya. dipeluknya Jelita yang tersedu-sedu disampingnya.

Disurat terakhir, pagi ini.

"......Hari ini adalah hari ulang tahun pernikahan kami yang ke-9.

Tahun lalu engkau tidak pulang kerumah, tapi tahun ini aku akan

memaksamu pulang, karena hari ini aku akan masak, masakan yang paling

enak sedunia. Kemarin aku belajar membuatnya dirumah Bude Tati, sampai

kehujanan dan basah kuyup, karena waktu pulang hujannya deras sekali,

dan aku hanya mengendarai motor.

Saat aku tiba dirumah kemarin malam, aku melihat sinar kekhawatiran

dimatamu. Engkau memelukku, dan menyuruhku segera ganti baju supaya

tidak sakit.

Tahukah engkau suamiku,

Selama hampir 15 tahun aku mengenalmu, 6 tahun kita pacaran, dan

hampir 9 tahun kita menikah, baru kali ini aku melihat sinar

kekhawatiran itu dari matamu, inikah tanda2 cinta mulai bersemi

dihatimu ?..."

Jelita menatap Meisha, dan bercerita,

" Siang itu Mama menjemputku dengan motornya, dari jauh aku melihat

keceriaan diwajah mama, dia terus melambai-lambaikan tangannya

kepadaku. Aku tidak pernah melihat wajah yang sangat bersinar dari

mama seperti siang itu, dia begitu cantik. Meskipun dulu sering marah2

kepadaku, tapi aku selalu menyayanginya. Mama memarkir motornya

diseberang jalan, Ketika mama menyeberang jalan, tiba2 mobil itu lewat

dari tikungan dengan kecepatan tinggi.. aku tidak sanggup melihatnya

terlontar, Tante... aku melihatnya masih memandangku sebelum dia tidak

lagi bergerak.." Jelita memeluk Meisha dan terisak-isak. Bocah cantik

ini masih terlalu kecil untuk merasakan sakit di hatinya, tapi dia

sangat dewasa.

Meisha mengeluarkan selembar kertas yang dia print tadi pagi. Mario

mengirimkan email lagi kemarin malam, dan tadinya aku ingin Rima

membacanya.

Dear Meisha,

Selama setahun ini aku mulai merasakan Rima berbeda, dia tidak lagi

marah2 dan selalu berusaha menyenangkan hatiku. Dan tadi, dia pulang

dengan tubuh basah kuyup karena kehujanan, aku sangat khawatir dan

memeluknya. Tiba2 aku baru menyadari betapa beruntungnya aku memiliki

dia. Hatiku mulai bergetar.. Inikah tanda2 aku mulai mencintainya ?

Aku terus berusaha mencintainya seperti yang engkau sarankan, Meisha.

Dan besok aku akan memberikan surprise untuknya, aku akan membelikan

mobil mungil untuknya, supaya dia tidak lagi naik motor kemana-mana.

Bukan karena dia ibu dari anak2ku, tapi karena dia belahan jiwaku..

Meisha menatap Mario yang tampak semakin ringkih, yang masih terduduk

disamping nisan Rima. Diwajahnya tampak duka yang dalam. Semuanya

telah terjadi, Mario. Kadang kita baru menyadari mencintai seseorang,

ketika seseorang itu telah pergi meninggalkan kita.

2009-02-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

Go Outside for a Longer Life Expectancy

Life expectancy can be increased with simple steps and changes. This guide will help you find ways to increase your life expectancy and improve your health and feel great as you age. Let's start with the easiest: increase your life expectancy with sunlight.

Life expectancy can be increased simply by going outside. See, what happens when you go outside is that your skin gets exposed to sunlight. That exposure triggers cells in your skin to produce Vitamin D. This vitamin (really a prohormone, but let's not worry about that here) is essential for bone health and is turning out to be important in depression, heart disease, diabetes and just about everything.

Some estimate that 50% of adults have low levels of vitamin D, because we simply don't get outside that much (sitting by a window doesn't count, the glass filters too much of the sunlight). This is a shame, because maintaining vitamin D levels has to be the easiest and cheapest way to improve your health and increase your life expectancy. Getting outside for just 15 minutes a day and exposing your hands and face to sunlight is enough to maintain vitamin D levels in most cases.

If you are concerned about your vitamin D levels, your doctor can order a simple blood test that will tell you if your levels are low. If for some reason you can't get outside enough, there are vitamin D supplements that you can take (but getting outside is a better option, if you can).

Elderly people need to pay special attention to their vitamin D levels. If you are a caregiver, be sure to assist your loved one in getting outside just a little bit every day. Not only will with improve vitamin D levels, but it could also improve sleep because sunlight also regulates another hormone in the body called melatonin that controls your sleep cycle.

Life Expectancy Increased by Hanging Out

Life expectancy can be increased by just hanging out with your friends and family. The more connected someone is, the better their overall health. Having positive relationships with a spouse, friends and family is the best way to be connected.

We are not sure why relationships play a role in health and life expectancy. It could be that people in positive relationships are less likely to take on risky behaviors and are more likely to take care of themselves. It could be that having people around you reduces the impact of stress on your health. We can make up lots of theories about why relationships have a positive impact, but the bottom line is that people who are engaged in "meaningful" relationships have better health (and therefore better life expectancies).

One way of improving your relationships with people is to get in the habit of telling good stories. Stories are how we communicate with one another, and telling a good story strengthens communications. I can't count the number of times I've been on the phone with someone and was just talking about the weather or giving a dry update on my family. Instead, I should be telling a story about a funny thing my kids did or something crazy that happened at work. Stories keep relationships alive.

So make more time for friends and family. Go do things together (create stories together), and make a real effort to improve your communication with them (whether by e-mail, phone or in person) by having a good story always ready for the telling.

Improve Life Expectancy with Daily Exercise

Improve your life expectancy with a commitment to daily exercise. Why daily? Well, after carefully considering all the research and exercise recommendations out there and knowing a bit about how people form habits, I have to conclude that a daily exercise commitment is a great way to improve your life expectancy, your health and your energy level. Here's why:

A study showed that people who exercise vigorously for around 3 hours a week had DNA and cells that were 9 years younger than nonexercisers. Three hours a week is a little more than 30 minutes a day.

Forget the study, though. What I know (from personal experience and from observing others) is that if you go more than 2 days without exercising, you are at a grave danger of quitting your routine. Somehow it is way too easy to slip from three days of nonexercise to three weeks of nonexercise to three months of nonexercise. The easiest way to create an exercise habit is daily repetition. When you promise yourself to exercise daily, you may skip a day but then get back on the program the following day. If you are exercising three times a week and, say, skip Friday, then you would have gone from Wednesday to Monday without exercising - a total of 4 days with no exercise (very dangerous, from a habit-building perspective). For life expectancy, it is more important that you exercise year after year than go through fits and starts of intense exercise followed by no exercise.

The other reason I feel that daily exercise is important, is that daily exercise will help improve your sleep and your energy level. It is important to just rev up your whole body each day. Remember, daily exercise doesn't have to mean going to the gym every day. Home exercises, such as yoga, stretching, free weights and more, can be incredibly effective.

Floss Daily for a Longer Life Expectancy

The fact that flossing daily can extend life expectancy falls in the weird-but-true category. In fact, floss does two things: it prevents gum disease (that's rather obvious), and it prevents heart disease (not so obvious). Preventing both of these together is what adds years to your life. Here's how flossing improves life expectancy:

When you floss, you help prevent your gums from becoming inflamed. That's a good thing. What is happening when your gums are inflamed is that you have a chronic bacterial infection in your mouth. This harms your arteries through two mechanisms: the bacteria find their way in to your arteries and hang out (causing plaques), and your body mounts an immune response to the bacteria in your mouth, causing inflammation (which in turn can cause your arteries to narrow). This makes it hard for your heart to do its job and can lead to heart disease.

There is some debate about how many years you can gain with heart disease. Dr. Perls says 1.5 years, while Dr. Roizen says 6 years. Both of these doctors are gerontologists (aging docs) and have popular books on aging and life expectancy (see reviews: Living To 100, RealAge and You! Staying Young). Who is right? It doesn't matter. Flossing is good for your gums and good for your heart, so we should all just do it.

Of course, this is easier said than done. How do you get in to a solid flossing habit? First, you need to make sure you have some floss. There are tons of different kinds of floss (flavored, unflavored, strings, ribbons and on and on). Pick some and give them a try. Next, you have to remember. Put your floss on top of your toothpaste. Hard to forget that way. Then just do it. You already have a habit of brushing your teeth at least twice daily (right? - please say yes), so just anchor your flossing habit to that.

More Sex for a Longer Life Expectancy

Your life expectancy may be increased through having more sex. In fact, in one study, men with a high frequency of orgasms showed a 50% reduction in mortality. This is good news, especially because issues around sex and aging are being taken more and more seriously by the medical community.

Why sex should be linked to life expectancy is something of a mystery. Of course, it could be that healthier people are more likely to have more sex and that the findings linking sex to life expectancy are reflecting this, but I think there is more to it. We have seen elsewhere that having good relationships and being positive are linked to longer life expectancies. Maybe sex is a market for good, positive relationships. Of course, there could be a direct health benefit as well: sex triggers all sorts of endorphins and hormones in the body. Maybe these help with healthy aging and increasing life expectancy.

But who really cares about the reason? The simple fact is that having more sex is healthy. Here's a few links to help deal with any age-related sex problems that may come up:

Be Like A Vegetarian for Your Life Expectancy

Life expectancy can be linked to three factors that vegetarians excel at: fewer bad fats, more antioxidants and lower weight. Before we go in to how being a vegetarian can help your life expectancy, though, we have to define what we mean by vegetarian.

There are some vegetarians who are "junk food vegetarians." These types of vegetarians eat cheese pizzas and ice cream all day long. That is not good for health or life expectancy. What we mean is the person who is eating lots of vegetables prepared in healthy fats (such as olive oil) while limiting animal products, such as cheese and cream. We'll call this type of vegetarian a "whole foods vegetarian."

The leading cause of death and the number one shortener of life expectancy in the U.S. is heart disease. As your heart ages, there can be a build of gunk in your arteries and your arteries themselves can become harder (see heart aging for more information). This causes your blood pressure to rise and your heart to work harder, leaving you at risk for heart disease. Vegetarians (whole foods vegetarians) have some of the best arteries around because eating healthy vegetables avoids bad fats and other unhealthy foods.
People who eat lots of vegetables take in lots of antioxidants. Antioxidants help your body repair some of the damage caused by aging. The more plants you eat (and the greater variety) the more raw materials your bod has to make repairs. Read more on antioxidants free radicals. and their evil counterpart,
Finally, vegetables simply fill you up with very few calories (if prepared without creams, butter or cheese). A healthy vegetarian diet should help maintain or lose weight. A healthy weight is tied to a longer life expectancy.

So be more like a vegetarian to increase your life expectancy and live healthier.

Destress for a Longer Life Expectancy

Life expectancy can be messed up by stress in two major ways. The first way is through the direct, unhealthy effects of stress on your body in the long term. The second way stress may shorten your life expectancy is through the negative behaviors that being stressed triggers. These behaviors include comfort eating and smoking. Learn to relax through destressing techniques or meditation to keep your life expectancy up where it should be.

Stress has been linked to dozens of health conditions, including the "big ones," such as heart disease or cancer. Stress has also been linked (no surprise) to feeling irritable and not sleeping well. By focusing on stress, you can improve your quality of life right now while improving your long-term health and life expectancy too. That's a pretty good deal.

You can destress through a wide range of stress reduction techniques. My personal favorite is called the "relaxation response." This is a scientifically proven breathing technique that will help train your body not to respond to the stressful events in your life.

My other more long-term relaxation technique is meditation. By learning how to meditate, you not only calm your body, but you begin to train your mind. This is great for mental fitness, concentration and (of course) relaxation.

Extend Your Life Expectancy Through Screenings and Tests

Improving your life expectancy through medical tests and health screenings is certainly not one of the "fun ways to live longer," but it is, without a doubt, one of the most effective ways to add healthy years on to your life. Medical tests and screenings can help treat diseases early, when they are more treatable, and extend life expectancy even with an illness or disease.

Of course, the challenge is figuring out what tests to take when. Only your doctor can really tell you 100% (every individual is different in terms of risk factors and family history), but we can check out some general guidelines for health screenings (see Health Screenings for Women or Health Screenings for Men).

I like to think of health screenings as part of a disease prevention program. Preventing diseases (or catching them early) is probably the single best way to add years to your life expectancy. Make a plan today to prevent disease, get everything checked and feel good that you are doing everything you can for a longer life expectancy.

Turn Off Your TV for a Longer Life Expectancy

If life expectancy and television watching aren't linked, I'd be shocked. Of course, I can't prove that TV and life expectancy are linked (no one has done a study comparing the life expectancy of TV-watchers and non-watchers, probably because they can't find enough non-watchers for a good study). I really do think that cutting back on television watching would improve most people's health and (therefore) increase their life expectancy. Here's a couple of reasons:

Watching TV makes you inactive. You just sit there burning as few calories as possible, which could lead to weight problems.
TV makes you eat more junk food. People who are watching TV eat more than those who don't. It's a fact.
TV makes you antisocial. You are at home, zoned in, instead of talking with real people, face-to-face.
TV is stressful. The news and many shows are filled with stressful stories. Avoid these, and you may feel things are not so bad after all.
TV keeps you from doing other things. This is the big one for me. The average person watches something like four hours of TV every day. That is 28 hours a week or more than 1,400 hours a year. If we all just put that time in to something else (exercise, volunteering, talking with our children), think of what a different world it would be.

Of course, I can't tell you how many years of life you will gain if you quit watching TV (it depends on your weight and what you do with the extra time), but I can tell you that you will gain back around 1,400 hours each year (on average).

Avoiding Risks Increases Life Expectancy

Life expectancy can be protected by making sure that you don't take any unnecessary risks. For young people, the biggest causes of death aren't diseases or age-related problems. The biggest causes of death for young people are accidents, injuries and violence. When you add certain behaviors (such as smoking) to that list (which shortens life expectancy by up to 14 years), you get a list of things to avoid to protect your life expectancy.

Here's the list (I know, it sounds like nagging, but do these things anyway): wear your seat belt, drive defensively, avoid situations that may lead to injury, avoid risky sex, avoid violent situations, don't smoke (or quit smoking if you do smoke) and maintain a healthy weight.

If you can do those things, then you are already increasing your life expectancy. Focus on avoiding obvious risks and dangers. Your body is pretty amazing and will keep going for a long time as long as you keep it out of trouble.

2009-02-06T18:32:00.000-08:00

How Working Moms Can Have a Happy Marriage

Don't Groan, Date Night Really Does Build a Happy Marriage

By Katherine Lewis, About.com

After working all day, feeding the family, cleaning the kitchen happy marriage is the foundation for your family's well-being. It deserves your attention. and putting the kids to bed, the last thing on your mind is how to build a happy marriage. But a

If you take a few minutes every day to focus on keeping your marriage happy, everyone will be better off -- including you.

Date Night Works

It's the oldest piece of advice for a reason -- date night really helps keep your marriage happy. You don't need to have a standing babysitter every Friday night, like Barack and Michelle Obama, but you must devote one-on-one time to your spouse on a regular basis.

The work of raising children and supporting a family is all consuming. It's easy for your marriage to become an afterthought. When you have a regular time set aside, you're forced to build that connection.

If you're concerned about the cost of child care for a weekly date night, get creative. Can you ask a neighbor to sit in your house during the kids' nap on Saturday afternoon so you can get out for coffee as a couple?

Or consider having a regular date morning -- breakfast after the kids get on the school bus. You can negotiate flexible hours at work to accommodate arriving an hour late. As a bonus, you'll be alert and fresh. You may even find conversation flows more easily and you have more energy for your spouse compared with dinner at the end of a long week.

Think of Your Spouse First

Imagine if every morning you woke up asking, "How can I make my husband's day as special and wonderful as possible?" And if he woke asking the same question? You'd be guaranteed a happy marriage.

Now I realize that's not a realistic daily occurrence. We so often wake up thinking, "Is it my turn to bring snack for soccer practice?" But if you at least try to put your spouse or partner first, and he does the same for you, you'll be a step ahead.

And those times when you each think of the other first? It's as beautiful a moment as reading a classic O. Henry story.

Communicate With Words

A happy marriage would be simple if we all could read minds. Unfortunately, my husband communicates best by hearing words that I speak. I'm betting yours does too.

Don't expect your spouse to guess why you're upset or to know what will help you. You have to ask for what you need, whether it's time alone or a big hug or for him to pick up his dirty socks from the floor.

Trust me, he'll thank you for spelling out the solution to your bad mood. He loves you more than anyone in the world -- he wants to fix the problem.

When you ask for what you need, whether it's emotional support or household chores, it helps to use the manners mama taught you. The same request comes off very differently if it's done with a smile and a hug, as opposed to a whiny tone or angry face.

Say Thank You and Sorry

And while I'm on the topic, many a marriage has been saved by a well-timed apology. Even if you don't think you did anything wrong, can't you honestly say that you're sorry to see your spouse so upset?

When your partner is furious or hurt, the most important thing is to hear his anger. Don't get defensive and launch into explanations. Let him know you are listening by giving the gift of empathy. It won't kill you to say "I'm sorry," and it may just take the wind out of his sails. Certainly, it allows him to admit he might have been in the wrong also.

And when your husband does something special for you, even if you had to ask for it, make sure to say thank you. There are other much-appreciated ways to reward a man, so consider one of those too.

Touch Each Other

That brings us to the bedroom. Yes, a fulfilling sex life is an integral part of many happy marriages. But just as important are the hugs, kisses and casual touches that remind you of the time when you met and fell in love. Before kids, before the mortgage, before the bills.

When you're raising babies and young children, their physical demands can be exhausting, especially for moms. So you need to make a conscious decision to save some energy for a physical connection with your husband too -- even if it means leaving the laundry or the email or the thank you notes for another day.

You may not be in the mood. You may feel uncomfortable with your post-baby body. But if you start to let your sex life slide, you can quickly become little more than roommates with the man who was once the love of your life. And you may find that once you start feeling romantic and enjoying intimacy again, you tap into your pre-mommyhood libido.

Assume Good Intentions

Our society is so focused on grievance and complaint. It's easy to develop a narrative in your head about what your spouse has done wrong and how put upon you are.

Keeping mental lists of wrongdoing is a sure recipe for drama and turbulence in your home. Instead, try to think of a positive reason that he might have for acting the way he did.

Maybe he forgot to pick up the kids at daycare because he was working hard to support your family. Maybe he ignored your mother-in-law's nasty comment about working moms because he didn't hear it. Maybe he was going to get to the dirty dishes in the sink after the kids were asleep, and then he got distracted by the bills.

Your made-up explanation may not be the right one, but thinking through the alternatives gives you space to imagine that there are valid reasons for his actions. The next step -- ask him what was going on. You can even have the conversation on date night!